Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
