Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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