Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
