Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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