Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
