She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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