Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
