Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
