i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
