I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
