If i come over, it means nothing
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
