He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
