non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
