There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
