I met the friendliest cop last night
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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