my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
