I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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