I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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