i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
