I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Do you have feelings for this penis?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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