hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
