I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
