she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
