thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
