I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
