If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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