You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Randomize
