Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
so much tequila, so little girl.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
