1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
