I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Never joke about your clitoris.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
