did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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