I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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