history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
