Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
