shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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