the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
