Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Randomize
