My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
