The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
