11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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