So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
