3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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