matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I don't deserve a penis
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
