I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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