If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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