Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
