I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
He shit in the fireplace
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
