woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
