I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
