May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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