god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
